My life is crumbling before my eyes. No matter how much I try to grasp at the slackened ropes, the sails are falling down, down, down like so much sand through a sieve, and my ship seems stranded in the center of a windless sea, all of the lighthouses burned, industrialized to the point of uselessness or else deconstructed in the name of progress. For the love of one, another falls; in the name of God, love is nothing; by the might of Tomorrow, Yesterday is invalidated. One for all and all for one.

One of the most infuriating parts of it- which I know is a complete a total fabrication, an impossible conjecture which is nothing but a lie intended to make myself feel even worse because that seems to be my mind's strongest attribute- is that you're not alone. Whoever 'you' happen to be, you are not alone. You have a friend, you have a lover, you have a penpal. I have a blog.
Everyone that I care about, everyone in whom I confide my secrets... Everyone that I love dies. I know that people feel that way all the time, that they're so utterly alone in this world because everything that they care about ceases to exist. But knowing that doesn't make me feel any better.



"The difference between you and me is... Well, at the end of your day, for better or for worse, you crawl into bed next to that lump of a man that you call a husband. For as cold as he may be and for as heavy as he may sleep, you're not alone; you can reach out and touch someone and know that he's there. When I crawl into bed, I have an inconsistent dog, a rock of a pitbull that might be there when I awake but is more likely to be chasing a small animal around the yard.
"I wish I had that. I would give my world for it. Because even if you're fighting, there's still a bed with someone else in it. Even if you're not talking, you know that someone else is there beside you. Hell, I think you know somewhere deep down that no matter what, you'll wind up back to where you were, laughing about crabs and fishing poles. And even if he never says it, and even if you never say it, you both still know the phrase is there; 'I love you.' That type of a relationship... it's a distant dream to me. 'You're hot, wanna fuck?;' that's where I seem to stand, where my dynamic seems to go.
"So, what do I want more than anything in the world, darlin'? I want a relationship that's based on less than four words."